Workout 39

Some Bally members – especially the New Year’s newbies – have real difficulty understanding three words: smooth, controlled movement. Those are from the instructions on nearly every weight machine in the place. Lift with smooth, controlled movement. Pull with smooth, controlled movement. Push with smooth, controlled movement. Instead, you’ll see people yanking, jerking, lunging, plunging, spinning, twisting, hurling and pirouetting improper weight amounts in wildly dangerous styles. It’s amazing that we have not yet witnessed a full-blown injury. If the Bally Total Fitness® Rules & Regulations permitted videotaping, we could produce a Bally Bloopers show for Bally TV.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 38

There’s a certain Bally member whose primary goal is apparently not improved fitness. When we first joined the club, we’d regularly spot this dude. However, he was rarely working out. He was usually chilling in the locker room or South Loop TV room. The man has a unique look – like an aged character from an original Run-DMC video, complete with big-framed glasses and tinted lenses. Anyway, this guy’s hustle involves selling little vials of fragrances and pirate DVDs. He’ll even show you a homemade list of all the available movie titles. Of course, this behavior technically violates the Bally Total Fitness® Rules & Regulations, which state the following:

Members or guests shall not conduct, purchase or subscribe to any commercial business or activity on club premises or solicit other members or guests for any reason without the club’s prior written consent.

Whatever. This dude’s not hurting anyone. Besides, his entrepreneurial spirit is less irritating than the personal trainers prostituting themselves for new clients. And the first time we caught the salesman in action, he was displaying his line of merchandise to one of the security guards. He has managed to tone his arms – probably from carrying his plastic sack of products all around the gym. We nicknamed the guy Netflex.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 37

There are Bally members routinely displaying uncommon courage. We’re writing, of course, about the men who tread barefoot into the locker room toilet stalls. These fearless souls are 21st century firewalkers.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 36

Sticker tagging has been a popular style of graffiti for over 40 years, decorating predominately urban areas in the U.S. and abroad. Why, the art form even appears in the Bally men’s locker room. Although it’s unclear if the work is deliberate self-expression. Locker interiors display an occasional original creative design. But most of the bombing involves adhesive stuff from new workout gear (e.g., size stickers, price tags and “inspected by” markers) and fitness-related products (e.g., sports drink stamps, power bar wrappers and Odor Eaters® labels). It’s stickylicious. Word!

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 35

The South Loop Bally installed another advertising device – a metal postcard display in the men’s locker room. The unit features a frame for a small poster and trays for the postcards. The first advertiser is a real estate school that promises A New Career in 45 Hours! Leave it to Bally to help promote a real estate enterprise during the one of the worst housing crises in U.S. history.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 34

The South Loop Bally was holding a 20% Off Sale on cases of bars, water and sports drinks in the lobby store. Members didn’t seem to care or even notice. Those who drink during workouts tend to bring their own beverages, or fill plastic bottles from the public fountains. We’re not sure what inspired the special savings event. The products were probably nearing their expiration dates.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 33

At the South Loop Bally, a moronic member spilled trail mix in the weight-lifting area. The assorted pile of nuts, grains and raisins remained on the floor during the hour we were there, and it appeared no staffer would bother to sweep it up. Sure, it seems like a small deal, but having food in the gym is a gross and blatant violation of Bally Total Fitness® Rules & Regulations. More importantly, why the hell would anyone be eating trail mix while exercising?

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 32

There are many reasons to take a cold shower. Some experts claim it increases circulation throughout the body. Others insist it will create better-looking skin and hair. Enthusiasts say cold showers help with migraines. And everyone has heard cold showers douse sexual urgings. But if you’re a Bally member, you often find yourself taking a cold shower because the club appears to have a defective water heater. One entire row of showers only spits icy sprinklings, at least in the evening. Plus, as membership has spiked in the New Year, the remaining row can be spotty too. Certain dudes appear to be using the hand dryers to warm up. It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s pretty disturbing.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 31

Grabbed a copy of Bally Total Fitness® Rules & Regulations from the display rack in the lobby. While Bally is slick with its design work for employee gear, club signage, Bally TV and promotions, this black-and-white document looks like it was printed from somebody’s desktop computer. That aside, the legal mandates contained within are crazy – mostly because no one is following any of them. For example:

NO SMOKING / GUM CHEWING
In the interest of providing a healthy and safe environment for our members and guests, all of our clubs adhere to a NO SMOKING / NO GUM CHEWING policy. The use of any type of tobacco products, including smokeless tobacco, within the club is prohibited.

Um, personal trainers are routinely chewing away as if they’re the love children of Bazooka Joe and the Doublemint Twins. Plus, the men’s locker room floor features as many wads of gum as discarded Band-Aids.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 30

The B-52’s landed at Bally today. Or at least one of them. A Kate Pierson wannabe roamed around the weight-lifting machines, her funky perfume hitting anyone within a 15-foot radius. You’d think hauling the mega-gigantor wig would have been enough of a workout for the woman.

Enjoy your workout.