Workout 10

Folks with foot fetishes will have a field day at Bally, particularly in the men’s locker room. Typical spectacles include:

Clipping toenails in shower area

Dusting the floor with foot powder

Gassing visitors with antifungal spray

Thankfully, there have been no Sasquatch sightings to date.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 9

The other day, we spotted an old guy coloring his hair at the sink area. He had all the bottles and brushes spread out, applying the dye to his thinning mane. The shade looked totally unnatural – a deep red. Not sure if he planned to also color the hair on this back and shoulders, in order to keep everything consistent.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 8

The Chicago Loop Bally is closed on Saturday and Sunday. However, members are allowed to use another Bally in the South Loop during the weekends.

The South Loop Bally is a bit more contemporary and cleaner than its sibling club. The place features similar space and equipment – although there is no security guard. And for some reason, the lobby store, located in a gated area behind the reception desk, includes a couch and comfy chair. Guess members need to rest and recline before selecting dietary supplements.

The locker room is slightly better too, with a less cramped design. Plus, the showers offer soap, shampoo and conditioner! But we don’t recommend lounging in the TV room, as many naked men (showered and pre-showered) have been seen sprawled across the couches.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 7

Why do certain Bally members insist on reading during their workouts? No, we’re not talking about the people who page through books and magazines while operating treadmills, stair machines and stationary cycles. This is directed at the morons who view the weight-lifting equipment like La-Z-Boy recliners, perusing novels between reps. Yo, bookworm, it’s a bench press – not a Gutenberg press. Take your reader’s routine to the CPL.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 6

Last April, Chicago cops tracked down and killed a cougar that was pouncing through North Side neighborhoods. The wild cat’s appearance perplexed people, as cougars have not been known to roam freely in the area since the 19th century. Unless you’re a Bally member. In fact, we spotted a pair of cougars just a few months ago. The big-haired duo bounced on the abs machines, wearing capri pants, tube tops, clunky bracelets and open-toe sandals. The blaring club music was drowned out by their loud talk and louder laughter. Probably on the prowl for frisky personal trainers.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 5

The Chicago Loop Bally has a unique member on its staff – a security guard. Actually, the place has about four rotating sentinels. It’s probably another function of the location, as other downtown Bally clubs don’t employ guards.

The guards spend most of their time in the men’s locker room, stationed on a raggedy, rolling office chair near the lockers. It must be quite an assignment, surveying all the nakedness and assorted unpleasant visuals. Not to mention inhaling the distinct odors. To break the monotony, the guards will walk the floors of the club – although it seems like some of them only do so to watch whatever sports event is playing on the TV monitors.

You have to wonder what prompted the decision to hire security. We’ve never seen a female equivalent in the women’s locker room. Granted, we haven’t ventured into the space (hopefully, the security guard would act swiftly against any man who tried). And it’s unfathomable to imagine the lobby store is a target for shoplifters.

Were there incidents of theft or improprieties in the men’s locker room? Dangerous towel snapping or violence in the shower area? Unruly members taking offense over the failure to wipe down equipment after use?

The guards don’t appear to be armed, or even physically capable of overpowering anyone. The personal trainers would be better suited to subdue potential hooligans.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 4

Bally launched a holiday advertising campaign to recruit new members. This is obviously a critical time for the health club. Losing weight and creating a healthier lifestyle are among the top New Year’s resolutions for Americans. A few days after Thanksgiving, there was a definite surge in attendance at the Chicago Loop Bally. We wonder who will show up in January 2009.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 3

Men are pigs.

Men in locker rooms with public showers and toilets are worse than pigs.

There’s no need to fear contracting athlete’s foot in the Bally locker room. The dominant fungi and bacteria – many of which have probably not yet been identified by the CDC – will easily obliterate such common infections.

The floors are dumping grounds for bandages, wrappers, wads of hair and other mystery items.

Members manage to completely dislodge sink handles almost daily.

Hand dryers are used to dry everything except hands.

The shower area leaves you longing for a shower – even after you take a shower.

Senator Larry Craig would refuse to make direct contact with the toilets, regardless of whoever might be in the adjoining stalls – and the adjoining stalls are typically occupied by totally naked men.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 2

The Bally Total Fitness located in the heart of Chicago’s iconic Loop is a misleading structure. One could almost miss it entirely, as the cavernous place occupies three floors in the basement levels of retail and office space. Bally spans about 43,865 square feet, with areas for aerobics classes, weight training, swimming, indoor running, assorted treadmills, stair machines and more. Of course, you’ll find saunas and locker rooms too. Plus, there’s a lobby store featuring a wide variety of fluids, protein snacks, dietary supplements and overpriced workout gear that no one ever seems to buy.

While Chicago is a very diverse and cosmopolitan city, the Loop has its struggles. The Magnificent Mile just a few blocks north tends to be more contemporary and clean. For example, the Michigan Avenue Borders bookstore across from the famed Water Tower Place shopping mall is an organized and semi-efficient business. In contrast, the State Street Borders in the Loop is a mess, with homeless people stinking up the aisles and restrooms pumping out even stronger odors. So the Bally spotlighted in this blog fits in perfectly with the surroundings.

Don’t take this the wrong way. If your objective is a cheap workout, the facility will satisfy your needs. You’ll discover plenty of equipment and space available, along with a friendly staff. And Bally is conveniently situated near numerous public transportation options.

However, you’ll also experience unique peculiarities not covered in the membership contract. Your disposition and intestinal fortitude will determine if these things are perks or personal violations.

Enjoy your workout.

Workout 1

Bally Total Fitness doesn’t live up to the sleek and sexy imagery in its advertising. But honestly, what advertiser does? Anyone capable of executing a basic Google® search can discover all the Bally blemishes too. The customer complaints are, um, healthy. The company’s financial situation is not. Bally and sucks create a common word pairing in the lexicon of contemporary culture. No duh.

This blog, however, won’t focus on such matters of public knowledge. The intent is not to criticize or abuse the chain. Rather, the posts share observations and thoughts from a new member for purely entertainment purposes. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Enjoy your workout.